HE SAID
russell's experience, strength, and hope
Through study and experience living a life of recovery, I’ve learned that sometimes my thinker is broken, but not "every time". Which time is it broken? What if 99 out of 100 times my thinking works well? How about 999 out of 1000? Which time am I powerless? Is it #371, #844 and #601?
For many drinkers who want to stop, it doesn't really matter if they have a little drinky-poo on occasion, but for an alcoholic, one drink is unacceptable. In recovery literature, I read something to the effect that on occasion, I cannot trust my own thinking. I am going to need a power bigger than me for those situations.
Furthermore, when I take step 2, does “...could restore me to sanity” mean that I now can make the right choice every time? No. I accepted that my thinker is defective. Recovery does not fix my thinking so that I can solve my own problem. The literature says essentially that the primary objective of recovery is to develop connection with a power that will solve my problem. I connect with the power, the power solves my problem. I don’t solve it. Therefore, recovered, or restored to sanity does not mean I now have the ability to think right, every time. It means that even with a broken thinker, I am plugged into the solution, and the solution solves my problem.SHE SAID
Niki's experience, strength, and hope
So, I too have learned that my thinker is broken. Unlike Russell, I think my thinker is permanently broken 100% of the time. While I consider myself recovered, I do not consider myself fixed. Honestly, I’m not sure Russell said he was fixed. I think he just said his higher power had the power to fix him. Or maybe he meant that his higher power could save him from the certain times when his thinker was broken. Anyway, it doesn’t matter what he meant. I can ask him later.
For me, I am permanently broken in the thinking department. ALL. THE. TIME. My higher power saves me daily from acting on all the crazy thoughts I have running around inside my head. Most days my higher power reminds me to pick up the phone and call someone to find out how they are doing. Maybe my higher power guides me to a meeting. And sometimes, when I really need it, my higher power will remove all of these options and force me to sit with him and deal straight up with my crazy thoughts. I think this is why we titled this entry “The Power of Think.”
You see, I have lost the power of think. I have no control over my thoughts and I must surrender that daily. I do believe the most beautiful thing I ever heard regarding this powerlessness over my thoughts was spoken to me late on a cold January night. I was crying because my first thoughts about something were completely jacked-up! I thought that I had been in recovery long enough that these jacked-up thoughts would not be my default anymore…..yet here they were, AGAIN! A very wise old man in recovery gave me a hug and said, “oh! You do know that you are not responsible for your first thought, right? You’re only responsible for your first action.”
I will never forget the relief those words brought to my soul. I remember them always when my thinker is broken. I may never have a fixed thinker, but I no longer have to act on those broken thoughts.