I have been invited to speak at an anonymous twelve-step meeting later this month. As I work on my talk, I am doing some self-examination and review of who I was, what happened, and who I am today. AND WOW! Can I just tell you how grateful I am to be who I am today instead of who I used to be?
Life is full of unexpected ups and downs, chaos and turmoil. Sometimes we get pats on the back and other times we get punched in the gut. It is how we respond to these unexpected happenings that grow us into better people. More caring and compassionate, seeking to understand instead of being understood. It is this realization that brings me here to talk about “as I change”.
My favorite twelve step reading is titled “Helping”. It can be found in the Little Blue Book of NarAnon. I have included it below in case you don’t have access to it.
“Your role as helper is not to DO things for the person you are helping, but to BE things, not to try to train and change his actions, but to train and change your reactions. As you change your negatives to positives — fear to faith; contempt for what he does to respect for the potential within him; rejection to release with love; not trying to make him fit a standard or image, or expecting him to measure up to or down from that standard, but giving him an opportunity to become himself, to develop the best within him, regardless of what that best may be; dominance to encouragement; panic to serenity; false hope, self-centered, to real hope, God-centered; the rebellion of despair to the energy of personal revolution; driving to guidance; and self-justification to self-understanding — as you change in such ways as these, you change the world about you and all the people in your world for the better.”
Little Blue Book ~ NarAnon
When I first started working on recovering from the effects of addiction in my life, I found a complete solace in this reading. It contained all of the things that I was feeling, all of the things I wanted so desperately to feel, and the hope that transformation was possible. Every Friday evening when I entered the room, I was secretly hoping that this would be a chosen reading for the night. And when it was, my heart softened and my eyes watered.
I was recently talking to my sister and discussing my son. My son is currently living with her and her family. He had borrowed her car to take his girlfriend to her senior prom (something he did not get to experience in high school). When he returned home that night he texted his aunt to say, “The Jeep is cleaned out, the keys are on the counter and I just want to thank you for letting me use it and everything else you do for me.”
While every mama I know would be proud of their child for saying such a thing, I have a very deep and profound appreciation for what happened. You see, before recovery, I was not a grateful person. I was bitter and angry and gratitude was not on my priority list. (See my post No Matter What for confirmation) I was constantly feeding negative and destructive thoughts and behaviors to my son. Albeit unintentional, I was doing it nonetheless.
It is amazing to me that my son is not only able to feel gratitude, but to express it. The first five years of his life were with a mother who had no concept of gratitude and certainly did not model the feeling or expression of this emotion. It wasn’t until I got a sponsor who required a daily gratitude list from me that I started to understand how gratitude can change our lives. By the way, this isn’t just a twelve step belief, you can find more information on the role gratitude plays in our mental health here.
As I continued my personal journey of recovery, I focused on the “Helping” reading. It became the embodiment of my goals for recovery. I remember the day I realized I was not helping my son as defined by the reading above. On that day, I made a personal commitment to make sure I consistently expressed my gratitude to him. I started to add “I appreciate you” to all of my thank-you’s to him. Specifically, I can remember asking him to take the garbage out. When he did it, I intentionally said, “Thank you for doing that for me, I appreciate you.” I worked hard to make sure I spoke this phrase to him as often as possible.
Just as clearly as I remember making this a personal priority, I also remember the first time he spoke it back to me. I can’t remember exactly what it was about, I just remember hearing the words “Thank you, I appreciate you.” coming out of his mouth directed toward me. In that moment, I realized that “as I change in such ways as these, I change the world about me and all the people in my world for the better.”
As a result of this and many other confirmations I’ve received over the years, I will continue to study, and work my personal journey of recovery. I know that as I change, I will witness more wonderful and beautiful changes in my world and in the people I love.
Owning up to my personal lack of gratitude was not easy but it has provided me with a better way to live. I can’t share enough how instrumental OWNING UP is in my personal happiness. Do you practice gratitude? Are you expressing it to those around you?
Are you ready to talk about it? Are you ready to choose happiness? Email me, let’s reason it out.
Until next time, take care of yourself and find the next right thing to do.
All will be well,
Niki