So, when I introduced UnchainedRecovery.com, I told you that I had discovered a few keys to unlocking my personal happiness. Here is the first key I discovered: GIVE UP! Now, before you click the little “x” in the upper right hand corner, give me a second to explain what I mean. If you’re anything like me, giving up simply isn’t an option. Right?

I grew up in a home with an overly ambitious dad and a more than willing to accommodate mother. Dad was forever starting, working on, and finishing projects. Sometimes these were home improvement projects and sometimes they were adventures of farm life projects. Like the time he got a “deal” on a drove of sheep that turned out to have hoof rot. Or the time mom came home from work to find that he had removed the roof over the 4th bedroom to reinvent it as a master bathroom. It always seemed as if no matter what my dad wanted to tackle, mom was always there supporting his efforts. Please don’t get me wrong, I adore these attributes in both of my parents. And if you’ve been lucky enough to meet them, I know you would agree that they are absolutely the most amazing couple you’d ever want to know.

But I digress. What I meant to share about them today is that growing up with them taught me that I was the captain of my ship in life and that what ever I wanted could come to fruition with enough hard work, dedication and persistence. As I grew up, I found this to be true in many aspects of my life. As a young child, I wanted to play music. I worked hard and practiced to learn to play the piano. Then in junior high, I wanted to play the french horn (mostly because I was told girls played woodwinds, not brass). When the novelty of being a female brass player wore off, I taught myself to play the flute.

Then in high school, I wanted to be a cheerleader. During try-outs, one of the coaches told me that if I couldn’t do the splits, I would never make the team. And, true to form, I worked every night to stretch and achieve getting my splits perfected. Yes, I made the team. Of course I didn’t want to quit playing in the band and although I was told that “nobody” could do both, I tackled yet another challenge and cheered at basketball games AND played flute in the marching band. I have many more stories similar to these through out my life but won’t bore you with them today.

Do you see a pattern yet? I made it my personal mission to “do” what others said I couldn’t do. I know this is a direct result of being raised in an environment where I was taught that I was the captain of my life’s ship. And I am grateful for all of the dedication and tenacity it has instilled in me. It has served me well in many ways.

Unfortunately, when I came up against the battle of addiction, it took me to places I never could have imagined. When my then husband began to disappear for days at a time and money began disappearing from our accounts, I immediately set into “fix it” mode. I wanted (and needed) to get things back in order. So I tackled this in the only way I knew how: identify the problem, determine the necessary corrective action and implement for success.

Identifying the problem turned out to be an ordeal. I became quite the detective. I would inspect his pockets, wallet, cell phone to try to find out what was going on in his life. What I found made me sick to my stomach and when confronted, he would deny everything and somehow turn things back on me. Claiming that I didn’t “trust” him and what a despicable person I was to have gone through his personal belongings. How dare I?

There were some awful and vicious battles during those days. Lots of yelling and screaming and crying. Usually ending in his leaving for a few days and my wondering how I could work harder to find the truth. Yes, more detective work was needed only now it escalated to actually following him. Many hours in a vehicle parked and watching him and his new friends. I also stepped up my game and had his voice mail messages forwarded to my phone so I would better be able to investigate his activities. Again, the results turned my stomach, broke my heart and continued to result in loud confrontations and more periods of abandonment.

Finally, it dawned on me that it didn’t matter whether he was choosing women, the casino, or drugs over home. The bottom line was that he was not choosing home. So I GAVE UP trying to identify the specific problem and decided to work on corrective action. Instead of spending my time on investigating him, I decided that I would create a home he would want to choose. I tried to create a home that was warm and loving. Welcoming to him. Clean and tidy. As you can guess, that didn’t work either. Rarely did he return home and consume the dinner I had prepared. Instead returning in the middle of the night or early in the morning when I had to leave for work. Sometimes just pulling up to the house as I had to walk out the door.

It seemed this corrective action wasn’t going to work so I decided maybe tough love had a place in our home. I started berating him upon his return. In fact, I think I took it a little too far when he returned home in the middle of the night to find me with a baseball bat daring him to come into the bedroom. In fact, by this point I think it would be fair to describe me as “bat-shit crazy”.

I had a conundrum on my hands. I couldn’t identify the problem or execute any corrective action to succeed in the situation. What was I supposed to do? I had exhausted my experience and knowledge base. I was a complete mess and my life was in total shambles. I was totally failing as the captain of my life’s ship! My recipe for success had always worked, what was I doing wrong?

Turns out that while my method worked in many situations it simply would not work in this one. All of those other situations were completely dependent on me and my actions. My choices, my dedication, my stuff. In this case, no matter what I did or chose my husband was still making choices that were counterproductive to my goal: getting our family back on track. No matter how hard I tried, I could not get him to make different choices. So, is the problem with his choices? Or with my goal?

This is where and when I learned to GIVE UP. I learned that my vision for getting our family back on track needed to change. Instead of relying on him making choices that created the vision I had in my mind, I had to GIVE UP on the life I dreamed of and dream a new dream. I had to GIVE UP demanding he participate in my goal and let him decide for himself. I had to GIVE UP any hope for a better yesterday and start creating a better today.

I wish I could tell you that I GAVE UP and he got on board but I did and he didn’t. Although we later divorced, today I am living my new dream. The best part about this new life is that I no longer feel the need to mandate others participation in my dreams. I am completely and totally committed to my dreams with the tenacity and persistence needed to make them come true. I love sharing my dreams with others but no longer insist anyone join me in creating them. If someone wants to come along, they are more than welcome and if they would rather do other things, I pray God blesses them in their journey. Best of all……..I AM HAPPY, NO MATTER WHAT others choose!

What do you need to GIVE UP in order to be happy? Are you ready to talk about it? Are you ready to choose happiness? Email me, let’s reason it out.

Until next time, take care of yourself and find the next right thing to do.

All will be well,

Niki