As I’ve been spending some time thinking about how I used to be before finding recovery, I find myself recalling feelings I experienced with a new clarity. I was mad all the time. I was mad at my sons dad for choosing drugs instead of our family. I was mad that I was left “holding the bag” to take care of our son. I was mad that my son chose to act out at school causing me to lose time at work which reminded me that I was the sole provider for this non-existent “family”. I was mad that I didn’t have family close enough to help me when I needed help with my son, or anything else for that matter. I was mad that in order to make more money to support myself and my son, I had to work full-time and go to school full time and get a damn degree. I was mad that affordable housing was nearly impossible to secure. And I was mad that I made marginally “too much” money to qualify for public assistance. As you can tell, I was just plain old MAD!
This anger that I constantly felt absolutely showed. It actually “showed out” if you know what I mean. Of course sometimes it showed itself in the way I treated others but mostly it showed itself in the way I treated myself. At one point I remember having such terrible tooth pain that I HAD to go to the dentist. Please keep in mind that I hadn’t seen a dentist in probably 5 or 6 years. At that visit, the dentist provided me with a complete estimate for all of the work that needed to be done. To the tune of over $10,000! I sat in my car in the parking lot and cried after that visit.
Not only did I not have the money or time to have the work done, but I just kept asking “why me? What did I do to deserve this?” Funny, I just realized that I spent a lot of my time back then asking those two questions. In fact, I asked them about all of the things I listed in the first paragraph that made me so mad all the time. I would guess that I asked myself, “Why me? What did I do to deserve this?” Multiple times daily for YEARS! Today, I can honestly tell you that I can’t remember the last time I asked myself those two questions. Interesting, huh? Are you wondering why? Let’s take a look at the dental situation and see if we can figure it out together.
So, I was mad because I got dealt lousy teeth that appeared to be rotting in my mouth for no apparent reason. Never mind the fact that I had been literally ignoring them for years minus the daily brushing, of course. What typically happens to teeth when they are not checked regularly and filled as cavities develop? Do they regenerate and repair themselves? Of course not. Yet I seemed to be under the belief that I was not responsible for the care of my teeth. Then, when they responded in the very way that they are designed to respond I got mad? Does that even make any sense? Sounds a tad bit crazy, don’t you think? I do.
Look, I know this might seem a bit overboard but I am telling the honest to God truth about myself on this one. Instead of owning the responsibility of taking care of my teeth, I asked “Why me? What did I do to deserve this?”
I spent my life trying to be a “good” person. Helping others and doing “nice” things all the time. I just could not understand why these bad things (addicted husband, rotting teeth, etc) would happen to someone trying to be so “good” and “helpful”.
Owning up to my responsibilities has been a key to happiness for me. The problem was that I didn’t acknowledge that I had any responsibilities for myself. My responsibilities were all around and related to others. My husband, my son, my friends, my employer and co-workers. By the time I was done tending to their responsibilities, there was no time or energy left to recognize my own. And guess what the prize was for that? You bet, rotten teeth.
As I started to own responsibility for myself, I started making different choices. I started choosing myself. I started taking time off from work to go to the dentist or the doctor to take care of my health. Instead of running around town looking for my addicted husband, I started taking long, hot baths and burning scented candles because it brought me peace. Instead of spending $50 to pay someone else’s debt, I started going to the salon and having my nails done. I came to the realization that while I was bending over backward to make other folks happy and comfortable, NO-ONE was doing that for me. So I decided I was going to do it for me. I have a responsibility to choose myself because I am the only one who has to suffer or celebrate the consequences of my choices. So today, I own that responsibility and the choices I make to own up to it
Abraham Lincoln once said, “Most folks are as happy as they decide to be.” I know that every minute of every day I have the power to choose happiness; no matter what is going on around me. I have spent too much of my life being angry and resentful. I choose not to spend any more energy or time with those emotions, the consequences are too painful and rob me of my joy. Today I choose happiness, no matter what!
Are you ready to choose happiness? I hope so, you deserve it!
Take care of yourself and find the next right thing to do. All will be well.
Niki