So, I suppose I should tell y’all a little more about me. I mean, who wants to hang out on a site with someone they don’t know. Especially when there is so much going on in your life that requires your total attention and prompt action. You know, things like when and where your loved one is and how much they are using. I remember all too well how desperate I was to find help when my son’s dad was in active addiction. I would stay up all night for days at a time. Waiting, watching, and listening for his return to the house we shared with our son. Every car riding down the alley next to our house provided hope that he had returned. Only to feel the let-down as the car continued past our home. During those times, while my mind was consumed with thoughts of impending doom (arrest, overdose, death) I would intermittently attempt to research help for him, for me, for our family. ANYTHING that would shed some light on what I needed to do to return our family to some sort of normalcy.

It seemed that there were lots of websites and resources out there talking about how to get treatment for addiction and what the next steps needed to be when trying to stop using. Unfortunately, none of them seemed to address my role as caregiver, lover, wife. When I entered a search on “How to change my life” I got results that talked about get rich quick, pyramid scheme money making ideas instead of how the hell to get my husband to stop using and return home to his wife and son!

Finally I found a forum for friends and families of addicts. Ya know, I’ve been praying the last few days to remember the exact search, the exact night, that I found that website. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to remember ANY of the specifics surrounding that pot of gold moment. What I do remember is the feeling of immediate identification. The sigh of relief that came with FINALLY being understood. I finally found somewhere I belonged! Honestly, I think I spent more time on that website reading and crying than should be humanly possible. These people were telling their stories but they all sounded just like mine. How could that be??????

They welcomed me to “Recovery”. They told me that no situation was hopeless, that no sorrow was too great to overcome. Of course, I didn’t believe those things because they didn’t know ALL of my hopelessness and sorrows. And if they did, they surely wouldn’t be telling me that stuff. My life was a true to form HOT MESS!!! Even though I didn’t believe what they were saying, I continued to interact with them and discuss life, read their experiences and even started sharing some of my own stories. Their experiences continued to sound eerily familiar. Stories of staying up all night days at a time waiting and wondering where and when their addicted loved ones would reappear. Stories of items mysteriously disappearing along with their loved ones. Stories of losing their homes, becoming homeless, living in other peoples basements. ALL of the same things that happened in my stories! How could that possibly be true? Perhaps they really did understand my level of anxiety and fear and anger and frustration. And if that were true, maybe, just maybe, what they were saying about hope was true too.

Apparently that “maybe” was strong enough to get me through because I no longer live the life I was living then. I am truly a changed person as a result of those forums. Today, I am happy when I choose to be happy NO MATTER WHAT is happening around me. Oh! What a lovely title for my next post 🙂 I will start working on that!

Anyway, I hope that I have shared enough with you today that you are considering spending a little more time with me. I, too, know the desperation and anxiety that come with loving an addict. I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it can be overcome. No matter how horrible your story may be, it can be done. Today, my belief is strong enough to carry you through until you believe too. All you have to do is start your journey. Keep reading until you feel comfortable sharing, then share what feels safe. Spend some more time with me and eventually you will believe.

Until next time, take care of yourself and find the next right thing to do.

All will be well.

Niki